Pastors and Dependency

Being a spiritual leader comes with a significant amount of authority and power. So it might come as a surprise that many pastors feel that they have very little authority and are powerless over many things.

Pastors who find themselves in this predicament tend to be overly dependent on others for how they feel about themselves and how they handle challenges. They give other people power over their emotions, thoughts and behaviors and depend heavily on people for approval and a sense of self-worth.

One telltale sign of over dependence is blaming others for how one feels. Dependent people will say things like “He made me angry” or “She ruined my day.” No one can make you feel anything. But that is exactly what happens with people who have a dependent personality. They let other people control their feelings. “When we “give away” to someone else the ability to make us feel a certain way, then we give away our personal power over our own lives. In doing that we also lose touch with our personal responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and behavior” (Gary L. Harbaugh, Pastor As Person, p. 108).

For pastors, this can have a detrimental effect on them personally and professionally. Allowing others to control how we feel and think will influence how we handle the challenges of ministry. Fear of conflict, fear of change and fear of broken relationships will drive a dependent pastor to avoid or deny issues that come up. Fear – and the resentment and pain that tends to come with it – will also affect how pastors interact with church members. To overcome unhealthy dependencies, pastors must recover their authority and power over their feelings by depending on God, not people, for their sense of value and acceptance.

Alicia Grey, seminary student

Pastors and their feelings

            

             Anger, fear, anxiety and sadness are all human emotions. There tends to be an unspoken rule, however, that pastors should never express any of these feelings. These kinds of negative feelings are viewed as a sign of weakness or incompetence in a pastor.

            Where does this belief come from? Often times, it can be traced back to the way the pastor was raised. Perhaps, he or she was brought up in a home where their parents discouraged certain feelings. They grew up having to suppress their anger or fear. This dynamic can sometimes be found in seminary, too. There, the future pastors encounter a message that tells them how a pastor should or should not feel. The pastor is then left feeling guilty about harboring certain feelings or in denial that she or he has any “bad” feelings at all.

            Avoiding or denying his or her feelings has a tremendous impact on the pastor and everyone around him or her. “The pastor who denies or does not integrate into ministry his or her own feelings of hurt, or who is perceived as woundless, will also be perceived as “someone who has never been there,” says Gary L. Harbaugh, in his book Pastor as Person. He warns that pastors are in danger of losing touch with what it means to be a person when they refuse to acknowledge their feelings. 

           God created us to be holistic: physical, social, emotional and mental. Denying any of these aspects of our personhood restricts pastors from fully living and experiencing God’s healing power. It also limits the pastor’s ability to minister effectively to others. However, when pastors address their own feelings instead of hiding them, they are better able to handle a crisis, love themselves and connect and empathize with others.

By Alicia Grey, seminary student

Pastors and their Health

2/14/19

            Most people who become pastors do so because they believe that God called them to the ministry. This is key because no one should become a pastor if he or she simply sees it as a career. You will quickly become frustrated, resentful and overwhelmed, which will affect your ability to care for yourself and your congregation.

            But even people who are confident that God called them, still find themselves under the tremendous pressure of being a spiritual leader. There is so much more to being a pastor than preaching on Sunday mornings. Among many other things, they are also overseeing committee meetings and church ministries, visiting the sick and the dying, counseling individuals, doing weddings and funerals and leading social justice efforts.  

Sadly, many pastors tend to ignore, deny or downplay the toll their work has on their physical health. Gary L. Harbaugh, in his book Pastor as Person, says that pastors are quick to encourage their parishioners to take care of themselves. They will not, however, heed their own advice. “The same pastor might also preach from the pulpit that the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. But when it comes to himself or herself, the pastor tends to forget that he or she is an embodied person” (Harbaugh, p. 48). Stating that pastors have a body might seem obvious, but it is worth emphasizing. So often, church members - and society - put pastors on a pedestal and view them as superheroes, forgetting that they are humans with the same needs as anyone else. It is no wonder then that so many pastors have at least a 50 percent chance of seeing a change in their health (Harbaugh, p. 42).

So what can a pastor do? For starters, they must admit that they need help and then be intentional in seeking it out. Help could come in the form of a clergy support group, self-care activities and counseling. When pastors take care of themselves, everyone benefits.

By Alicia Grey, seminary student

She Wields A Sword

Journal

A Year in Retrospect

So, go ahead—let everyone know it!

   Tell the world how he broke through

   and delivered you from the power of darkness and has gathered us together from all over the world. He has set us free to be his very own!

Psalm 107:2-3 (TPT)

This year started with a bang, a bang to the head that is. I found myself having to reckon with my assumptions and what I discovered was that one cannot assume they completely understand or comprehend prophetic words or even impressions we feel we’ve received from the Lord. So when circumstances did not materialize the way I envisioned, I was disillusioned. Thus, what then shaped my year to follow was discouragement, disheartenment, and dismay. To sum it up, this year, I was depressed!

Now on hold on, don’t go yet, I write about these Four Deadly ‘D’s in a journal devoted to “wielding a sword” and empowerment, not to focus on the negative but to expose in a very vulnerable way what can go wrong when you want everything to go right, and how by the Grace of God, we once again may have a renewed vision of hope, get reestablished confidence, and obtain restored freedom.  

Our humanity cries out for deliverance and statistics reveal that more and more people in our culture are experiencing the effects of some form of trauma or mental illness. Former Director of the National Institute of Mental Health Thomas Insel wrote about the commonality of mood disorders. “Our best estimate of the number of adults with any diagnosable mental disorder within the past year is nearly 1 in 5, or roughly 43 million Americans. Therefore, what happened to me was not uncommon. Still, as a Believer I would like to think that I had enough faith or “Word in me” to side step it.

However, what I did not see coming was the shocking revelation of my own naivety that I could be all things, at all times, to everyone. And what added insult to injury, I mistakenly called this, ‘ministry’.  It is not the loss of a belief system that crushes but the doused illusion of being on point that hit below the belt.

Therefore, compounded by my own failings to set appropriate boundaries, I blamed people in authority, the Church and even the Lord, and that nearly stripped me of all of my faith. I did not know it at the time, but looking back, the real issue was my inability to rest and rest in the Lord.

Rest is the element that sustains when the going gets tough. It is the life of the Spirit within that compels us to move forward, to go up, to go on and to not give up. King David wrote,

“My soul finds rest in God alone. He alone is my rock and salvation. My hope comes from God alone. And He alone is my rock” (Psalm 62:1-2 NIV).

The Hebrew word rest conveys the idea of silence, of being quiet, of being still. It’s related to the idea of Psalm 46 “Be still and know that I am God.” It’s related to the words of Jesus: “Peace, be still.” Thus, this is what I needed - rest.

In retrospect, why was I so surprised at the painful trials I was experiencing, as if something strange was happening to me? It wasn’t strange at all but the hand of God faithfully working all things out for my good and bringing me back, full circle. Christ was giving me and still is, beauty for ashes. He’s restored my Spirit-filled hope, renewed my God-inspired confidence, and reignited my Christ-bought and won freedom.  Hallelujah!

Merry Christmas Beloved, and have a very happy, restful and hope-filled New Year!

Elizabeth-Marie ‘Allison’ on December 24, 2018

She Wields A Sword

Sierra Madre, CA, 91024

Bamboo

I did not want to cut off the stalk of brown stem whose trunk and roots had withered. The shoot that had grown out from its side had now turned a palsied shade of mustard and had eventually shown the same signs of demise. But finally, I felt 'we' had no other choice and nothing left to lose. I clipped, I discarded and replanted. And I held my breath. 

Now, as I stand and look at the cutting of Bamboo that was once bent over, limp and dying a slow withering death, is now alive again, upright, green, and taking on new strength. 

Life signs have returned and I wonder why I held on the dead parts so long.

He Cannot Be Hidden

Jesus left that place and went to the vicinity of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know it; yet he could not keep his presence secret. (Mark 7:24) 

 Is there a way about us that tells others of Jesus? I mean, without opening our mouths or donning a cross, is there a manner in which we carry ourselves, conduct our affairs or speak to others reveal who lives inside? I think so.

 For example, I have noticed that when I enter the lunchroom at my place of employment, where the atmosphere is often rambunctious with debates about scandalous, political headlines or the latest sports scores, the conversations are hushed. It could be my imagination! Yet, I have prayed about it and the Lord showed me that when he enters a house, his presence couldn’t be kept secret. 

 As our passage speaks of, when Jesus entered the house in Tyre, though he desired to keep his presence hidden, he could not. The Gospel does not say that miracles were taking place as people passed by or whether a light was beaming from the windows, whatever the case was, Jesus resided in that place, and his presence could not be hidden.
 

Thinking back to the lunchroom, well, perhaps it was that I bowed my head in thanks, perhaps! Anyway, one doesn't put a lamp under a bushel. I'm just saying!

Matthew 5:14-16;  1 Corinthians 6:19

"Taking an axe to the root of shame and rejection."

About Testimonies

Recently I was asked to share my testimony, the story of my drug dependence and deliverance, to a group of future ministers. I have to admit that I was nervous and shaken. You see, my narrative of alcoholism, drug addiction and abuse is very personal and not something I have wanted to reveal. It has definitely not been my leading introduction when meeting people like, "Hi, my name is Allison and I was always the first to the party and the last one to leave!" No, to tell the story of what happened and how the turnabout finally came, is easy and even an honor to those who are still struggling with the same things, but to 'Church-folk', well that is a whole other matter.

So there I was, vacillating on whether to neatly trim my message or lay it all out and let the Lord do with it as He willed. I was distressed to say the least. When the day came that I was to address the congregation, I was startled by a Tweet from a complete stranger. It said, "You have been given back your voice. You are bold as a lion; the Lion of Judah."

Whoa! If that wasn't an answer to prayer and confirmation, I don't know what is. Therefore, I went forth, boldly, not looking at their faces, and shared, in detail, what my life was like and how Jesus Christ set me free. Funny, there were no hisses or boos - no standing ovations. I just had obeyed the Lord, nothing more and nothing less. Perhaps.

I share this to encourage you to be bold. To be your honest and your most true, authentic self. This is the only way God can use us and get the glory out of our lives. And isn't that what we are all praying for? I have heard it said, "It doesn't take all that", and "Honey, don't tell people all of your business!" But at what point do we allow the Lord to use what He purchased at such a high price? Hmm, IJS.

"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death. Revelation 12:11


I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)