I am not blaming anyone or anything for my condition but accept my fallen and sinful state as an addict. Although there are troubles and challenges as the day is long, I have come to believe that Christ wants to heal me and restore me sanity.
There was a time though that I needed to play 'the blame game,' in order to soften the blow to my own conscience. But, by denying my own treachery I hindered my own recovery by not accepting the truth of my relapsed condition and worse, the hypocrisy of my testimony. Unbeknownst to me, acceptance was the exact spiritual principle I needed. I had to admit to myself that something was seriously wrong in my life. That I had created a mess of my life and that my using spilled over to the lives of my loved ones. I admitted this and quit trying to play games with myself anymore and that my life had become unmanageable in many ways. It was not under my control anymore. I did things that I later regretted doing and told myself that I would not do it again. But I did. I kept on doing them, in spite of my regrets, my denials, my vows, my cover-ups and my facades. I was a Christian Crackhead, living a double life as my addiction had become bigger than me.
As such, the first step was to admit the truth of where I was, that I was really powerless over drugs, my feelings, and that I needed help.
In order to move forward I had to accept, then as I do today, not to place fault or accuse someone or some group or situation. My daily prayer is, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others."
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