Pastors and Dependency

Being a spiritual leader comes with a significant amount of authority and power. So it might come as a surprise that many pastors feel that they have very little authority and are powerless over many things.

Pastors who find themselves in this predicament tend to be overly dependent on others for how they feel about themselves and how they handle challenges. They give other people power over their emotions, thoughts and behaviors and depend heavily on people for approval and a sense of self-worth.

One telltale sign of over dependence is blaming others for how one feels. Dependent people will say things like “He made me angry” or “She ruined my day.” No one can make you feel anything. But that is exactly what happens with people who have a dependent personality. They let other people control their feelings. “When we “give away” to someone else the ability to make us feel a certain way, then we give away our personal power over our own lives. In doing that we also lose touch with our personal responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and behavior” (Gary L. Harbaugh, Pastor As Person, p. 108).

For pastors, this can have a detrimental effect on them personally and professionally. Allowing others to control how we feel and think will influence how we handle the challenges of ministry. Fear of conflict, fear of change and fear of broken relationships will drive a dependent pastor to avoid or deny issues that come up. Fear – and the resentment and pain that tends to come with it – will also affect how pastors interact with church members. To overcome unhealthy dependencies, pastors must recover their authority and power over their feelings by depending on God, not people, for their sense of value and acceptance.

Alicia Grey, seminary student